There were to many pg people at the docs office

today.. I sat there and read my book.. wish I had not gotten there so damn early... but I had my times messed up.. it usually never bothers me.. but soooooooo many pg people.. they were all very nanchallant about their pregnancies.. I wanted to jump up and scream.. dont you get it.. it could all be over in a minute.. but I did not....

this is the first time I had this reaction since immediately after we lost Emma... I felt cheated again... maybe it is cause I am darn near 41.. who knows.. I dont get it... but sometimes.. I just wish I was ok wiht it every day.. others being pg.. and usually I am.. most of the time as a matter of fact I am.. but today.... *sigh* not today....

so I had my gyno appt... and left.. treated myself to a starbucks on the way home.. #3 for the day....

I found that dates.....

August 15 and August 23... how soon we forget what they really are and when they are.. self preservation??? maybe...

Still feeling a bit blah about it all not really sure why.. just am... and not liking it.. a feeling of emptiness I guess... at times I wish it was different for a brief fleeting second I wish it was different, with teh quads I mean.. but with Emma.. I wish it was different more often than that but not as often as I used to.. does that make sense?? I guess only to those of us who have been there... really...

Maybe it is that I need a vacation from all the craziness that has gone on lately wiht my job.. maybe that is it.. it was nice to just be home this last weekend without feeling the need to run run run.. and do do do.. I wish Todd and Rose and the boys could have come up but they did not.. so it worked out ok....

Still.... hmmmm not sure... I guess....

me

And now it is August..........

I have not been here in forever.. so much has happened in the past couple months and I cant remember it all...

work fiasco... UGH... not enough hours and now I feel like I am bustin my ass and not getting any things out of it... tired tired tored.. to many damn borderlines... August always sets me in a funk... not sure when the exact SR dates are... does dh remember??? am sure he does but it still makes me sad...

looking at dates for sunday school.. lots of dates surrounding Emma's 8th birthday... others dont know... I am scheduled to teach.. dont really want to.. thinking I will and then maybe have flowers in church for her.. or her balloons then take the kids to the cemetary to release them after church??? will have to talk to Todd about this...

doing ok but still feeling like I yell at the kids to much.. need to go for a walk.. feel fat.. UGH!!!! hate it really... should go now.. but is to hot... UGH UGH UGH!!!!

miss my old friends.. feeling the need to reconnect... Julia rocks.. she is so understanding and I wilsh she lived closer so we could spend more time together.. things move so fast in our world that often I feel like I am missing out on in important things...

I need to blog more often.. journal more often.. holy smokes it has been 2 plus months since I have been here.. what is that all about... weird....

kids start school soon... that even scares me and makes me sad really... they are growing up so fast.... and sometimes I wonder at them.. look at them and htink.. omg are the3y realy mine.. whose kids are they.. these are ours????

Life is about change but I hate it really I want thiungs to slow down some.. please cant it just go slower.... tomorrow is my yearly exam... gyno and mammo.. yippee....

Elliott Brown died this week at church.. makes me sad.. I never would have guessed he is 83... he looked so wonderful.. I gave Jean a hug at the visitation and told her M and G wanted me to give her one.. and that M wanted to draw Elliott a picture... she said to let him do it and they would put it on the fridge at home.. she said Elliott thought a lot of m and g... *sigh* sometimes.. life is to damn short....

and I do hate change....