I haven't journal ed forever.  And I don't know where to start.   I m tired.  Could b cause I got up at 4.  Worked out and have been in the go ever since.  2 doctor appointments down today and in one to go..and I m still feeling like I m tired.  I need to go to Az for a week instead of Brad.  Or we need to go to Mexico without the kids.   Just need a break from work and responsibilities.

I haven't journaled in a long time and I think it is time to do so.  I am beginning to start some new things in my life and i believe it is time to get the words for that journey down on paper.

I always seem to come back.....

And now it is because Mike has Colon Cancer. We did not make this journey with Cory as we are making it with Mike. I guess it is because we are closer to he and Heather then we were to Cory. I just wonder why. As I said on my facebook page, today I search for an answer to why... and all i can come up with is ..." it is what it is..." i hope that is enough.. but is it??? for me for those around me.. I wish it was as I dont feel like it is.

I want so badly for this all to go away for them.. for us... it is hard to see, listen to.. not cry.. not be angry in front of them.. it sucks.. I should be able to but dont feel like I can.

I want Brad to get a damn colonoscopy... really ... he should.. his father had colon cancer... I am not ready for him to get it also....

Searching through my mindfulness stuff and the radical acceptance stuff to find some meaning in all of this.. I keep thinking about the song Live like you were dying.... I find it inappropriate to put on Mike's facebook page as he is dying... and yet that all seems so surreal.. I pray that the only cancer they find is what they know is already there....

This sucks....

My my you certainly need time to be able to blog

and maybe being down with my ankle is the answer.. not sure where to start.. surgery was 6/13.. doc took out bone spur and other floating stuff. staples are still in.. and I really want them out!!!! out of work this week and next.

Kids are doing well and keeping us busy... M is in tee ball and loves it.. I could not go last week when dh took him... but will go tomorrow with Miss G....G is in dance Cheer camp this summer..and they both are doing two sessions of swim lessons.. we wanted to put G in dance this summer two but were unsure how we were goign to get her there with it being two times a week and it wouldnot have worked well with swim lessons.. she will be in dance in the fall.

Dh was in Canada for a week at the beginning of June.. had a great time and am thinking they will go back next year although we are talking of a weekend at Yogi Bear Park as mom and dad want the WHOLE fam to be together for their 50th anniversary. Quite a step down from going to Mexico for a week without kids to a weekend at Yogi Bear ... oh well it is about mom and dad.

Still fighting this last 15 I want off.. being laid up has hurt me some but am working on lifting free weights again. can tell that my muscles are not happy but no pain no gain.

All in all we are doing ok.... dh applied to UWP and got turned down as his app did not get there on time.. I applied to UW madison and got turned down due to lack of the right experience.. figured that would happen... and also applied to UWP.. we will see what happens there...

Tons of flooding around us.. is pretty scary how many homes in Avoca and Spring Green were devastated and many are just lost. I hope that Sarah D is able to get back in her house. I am sure our church will pitch in what we can to be helpful. We are very fortunate that we did not have damage in Dodgeville.. It has been a strange spring/summer already and tomorrow is really the first day of summer.

Need to go look for double sided paper and probably turn the ac on... it is getting warm up here and we will need to be comfortable to sleep tonight.

Meesh

Sometimes I just feel kind of bummed....

and I think it is due to the weather at least I hope so....

thinking maybe I need some mroe time off more days in a row.....????????

has been sunny today and that has been helpful.. but I still need something.. not sure what I need but something.... maybe it is a different job... maybe it is a different partner... that is the biggest gripe I have right now... other than the money issue.. which is soon to be changed with taxes.. but it always appears to be not not.. I should not complain but still sometimes the situuatoins I get us in.. really sucks....

try hard not to be negative... try to be positive.. sometimes it is just harder than I think it should be.. maybe I need more support... from work... and I need to be less negative to my kids.....

but we are healthy we are in a decent position.. we will be ok...

So they are talking about moving to AZ....

the in laws that is.. not sure I like this at all... what bout M and G.. what about the family here in WI???? what if we need something.. what if something happens to them.....

Sigh..what if they feel better when they are there says dh.. we cant tell them to stay here when they feel better there...

ok this is all true.. but it does not mean I have to like it right???? it does not mean I have to be ok with it .. right????

*sigh*..... I dont like it.. and I am not ok with with it.....


me

again it has been to long since I have been here...

Do you ever feel like things are just to crazy, like life gets away from you and you will freak out soon if things dont change???

that is how I feel, I am tired of the snow, tired of the cold, tired of being stuck in my house.. and tired of not having any money.. tired of feelings like I have to do it all...

Part of that is my fault.. I will take that on.... the money issue is my fault... and the feelings like I have to do it all... work wise.. well part of that is me.. but I do get tired of reminding and reminding and not getting an answer and feelings like I am crazy some times cause I KNOW i told him what needed to happen.. and he does not remember or does not do it...

and as far as being at home... I often feel like I have to do it all.. make the phone calls check on things.. be sure this happens.. WTF!!!!! cant you do anything???? How many children do I have anyhow???? # here on earth????

I soooooooooooooo need a freaking vacation... it is crazy.. how stressed I am....

just looked out the window... it is snowing.. AGAIN... Big surprise there.... but it lends to my craziness and crazy feelings....

I can tell I am stressed cause my neck hurts and I have tight shoulders... I hold a lot of my stress in my shoulders and it does not hwlp that my period is here.. AGAIN... and my emotions wack....

I just need time off.. more then next wednesday.... and I also need some more contact with my female friends.... it would be nice to have a female for a therapy partner.. as I struggle a lot with having a male.....

I also think that the weather, as I said before has a lot to do with my attitude... and how I feel.... I wish we could walk daily.. but the weather is keeping me from getting out.... darn cold......

I hate it tha tI dont really eant to do get the kids... I hate it that I worry it will be stressful and I will yell..

I hate it that my dh teases about not getting it enough.. but he isnot wiling to make the overture to make it happen....

I hate feeling responsible for EVERYTHING!!!!!!!

maybe I need to go do Raiki again.. I need to let some of this crap go...

and I need to get here more often...