We have a new member of our elite group...

and I so wish Mendy was not one of us... i hate that Rhett died.. I hate that another person is going through all the sadness I did.. that we all did.. I feel horrible for her... Rhett's funeral is/was today... I remember Emma's parts of it.. I think I was so in shock and so sad that I dont remember much... I remember being sad.. I remember her small so small casket.. I remember goign to the cemetary.. and sitting on a chair..by her grave.. I remember crying.. and wanting to just go home.. I remember the dinner afterwareds and at one point.. just Brad and I being the only ones who were sitting together and the others were talking alone... I felt sooooooooooooo alone....

I remmber crying and screaming and walking our road at night.. screaming at God.. asking WHY WHY WHY!!!! Why us.. why not someone else who did not want a baby as bad as we did...

that was so long ago... and yet.. it really wasn't it all seems so close at times.. and others.. it si so far away.. all we have are distant memories.. the occasional blip on the screen.. and yet.. at times.. it si there.. right in my face.. staring at me... and hurting.. not like it did then.. but still very painful... and I dont want to be tyhere... I tuck it away.. and leave it alone.. and then there is the guilt over not feeling as sad or as grief stricken as I did in those first days nights weeks andmonths...

I read through some of my posts on ivillage.. when we remembered each monthday... *sigh* and now I can get through them.. easily... now it is the other milestones that get me.. the start of 1st grade.. seeing other 7 year olds and marvelling at how big they are and their interests!!!!

seeing my twins.. and wondering what they would have been like if Emma was still here.. and how they would have gotten along....

thanksing God we have Max and Gretchen.. and at times.. rarely but at times.. thinking of the quads who were but a mere blip for us... but alive none the less.. and many others who cant undertstand that... except for Deb... she gets it... and really gets it cause she had a loss and subsequent kiiddos and sr.

Peace to us all......