Emma's tree is up...

and it sucks that all she gets is a tree.. I dont get it.. I dont get it.. she has a tree here at home.. one for the cemetary.. Emma gets a rememberance service that she shares with all the other angels.. we get to remember.. but who else does.. I dont know.. does her grandparents. her aunts and ucles... sometimes I think those that went through it with us.. the farther out we get.. have forgotten.. they dont talk about it.. they dont send cards.. I can only really think of one person who remembers every year.. my cousin's wife... she is a true blessing... Even my best friend doesnt remember all the time.. soemtimes it appears as though it is to far out.. our losing her..

7 years since our dreams were crashed.. 7 years of pain... 7 years where we have fought and grown together... maybe I should have been in therapy.. maybe I still should.. 7 years to sometimes get out the pain and touch it... 7 years to put it back in the box and not think about it... 7 years to think about how dirffernt our lives would be...

Almost 4 years of teaching her siblings about her talking about her.. so they know.. so they understand....

Does dh remember .. sometimes I dont htink he does.. sometimes I wonder.. sometimes I htink he does but he does not talk about her.. sometimes I think it is to painful still for both of us....

My cousin is having her youngest's bday party on Emma's bday... I dont get it.. did she forget... we will go... how hard will it be.. I dont know....

I often wonder now.. that M and G are older and Christmas is a HUGE deal for them.. would Emma feel the same.. would she help more than make a mess like her siblings.. how would she be...

Others often dont get it... only those of us who have been here get it and uderstand....

I miss you Emma sometimes you feel so far away.. like you are a distant memory.. soemtimes.. I feel you here.. but not as much as I used to.. soemtimes I wish you were here.... most times I wish you were here.... but if you were what would that mean for m and g....... would we have gone the route we did to have them??? would we have them??? and how would you be....

Thank you for the opportunity for M and G...

We all miss you....

Mom

Just when you think everyone knows....

you realize everyone does not know..... today at church I was fine... I have had days and moments of being not fine the past few weeks... sadness seems to creep over me this time of year... but I deal with it... I know why I get teary in a Christmas shop.. and others dont get it.. they think it is cause of M and G... and at times I let it be that way..... today ... today this was not the case....M AND g were ready to go from fellowship... our pastor's wife and her son were at our table.. we were joking about the kids and I was ready to go.. had told her good bye when she asked me about my pin and the ribbons on it..... I stopped and showed it to her.. said it was Emma's pin and the pin was her birthstone color... she looked at me.. and I stopped and realized she did not know about Emma.. I thought she did... I told her that dh and I Had lost a baby in 99 and that she will be 7 on december 9.. and that Max and Gretchen have an older sister... Sarah got the Oh I get it look on her face.... she said.. they talk about her and I just did not know...

I showed her Emma's pic in her locket and she commented on her lips...

( my thought was .. they were dark from being so dehydrated.... ) but said nothing... she said she was a beautiful baby... I got choked up .. I started to tear.. she apologized for asking... I said... " No Sarah it is ok.. this time of year is hard for me.. but it is ok... " she said she would keep me in her prayers... and she was genuine.. not the OMG I feeeeel sorry for you crap we often get from people.. but this was real.... real... I do like sarah.. and her hubby Todd our pastor.. rocks.. they have two kids.. Clara just turned 3 I think.. and Simon who will be 1 shortly.....I had to take off at that point as M and G were tearing off in the hallway.. but I did say.. it is at times like these when I get frustrated with the kids that I take a deep breathe and say... I can do this... and I think she knew I what I meant....so Hey little almost 7 year old girl.. thanks for being there for me today.... sometimes you show yourself in mysterious ways and I need to pay closer attention... and count those darn marbles in the jar.. and watch the sun set more often.....

and poinut out to your little sister and brother the colors of the sky that You help paint...

thank you

Mom

Max was up again this morning at 5....

but my wonderful let me sleep in.. thanks!!!!! I still dont get why he needs to be up at 5 a.m.... he was sooooooooooooooooo tired yesterday.... I had to wake him up from his nap....

BRad is off hunting now.... and my goal for today is not yell and scream at my littles and to stay out of the food here!!!!! Ate toooooooooooooooooooo much yesterday and as I wrote yesterday.... I tend to over do then feel horrible gult for it...

This picture is such a difference from where I was...

but why oh why cant I be happy with wher I am... and not worry about perfection???????????????

Today is my 40th bday!!!!!!!

Life is about change....

and I just had this HUGE entry done.. where oh where did it go!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I dont feel much different today than I did yesterday... It was a good day.... the kids were good... on all accounts except for just now.. when G had a fit which I reciprocated for her.. nice huh.. guess mommy needs to learn to grow up too and to handle her feelings a little better....

Mom decided nto to come.. why I am surprised I dont know.. why I continue to try I dont know.. frustrating as it is.... I guess I want to make an effort.. being the person I am.. but I am about done.. and the ones who suffere will be my kids...

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which bothers me.. and why she cant just commit really irritates me.. hmmmm something to pray about maybe .. to really give thought to.. maybe as an adult.. at the age of 40.. I need to learn to let things go more???? BUt it is hard.. all my life I have felt things needed to be the same.. treated the same.. and we arent'.... and it doesnt happen on dh's side either...

So here I am at 40... this is where I was about 3 years ago....

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and here I am now.....

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Amazing what a few years and some hard work can do huh???? it is still hard.. and I hate my hnagy downy belly but again.. yet another thing I need to be ok with.. my WW instructor says the whole perfetion thought process is the last to go.. and it is hard... hard not to be hard on the self..

So on my 40th.. I need to vow to be easier on myself.. others say 40 is liberating.. I dont know...

IT snowed today.............

Life is about change....

November 10.................. 8 days til my 40th... was in chicago last weekend.. had a great time.. wish we could have stayed at Coyote Ugly longer... wanted to party more.. but somehow.. did not feel quite right doing that with my sister there... and my sister inlaws.. odd huh?? If shelly and Mandy had been there.. well it may have been different...

More of my period... UGH.. is see from my last blog on the 28th that it is more of the same... this sucks.. but the alternative.. a hysterectomy is worse.. dont want to do that either.... geez.....

PUt on 2 pounds over the weekend.. am up to 184.. need to stop eating.. and pay attention to what I am doing.. I want 5 off by the end of the month.. I dont like weighing thismuch.. and my size 12's dont fit right.... such a thing to worry abotu when over 2 hyears ago I was in a 26 and over 300 pounds and never thought about run/walking a 4.5 mile race in themiddle of winter....

The Tyranena Race is tomorrow in Lake Mills.. mom and dad are coming to watch the kids... thank god the weather is going to hold out.. hopefully anyhow... I dont mind walking in hte cold.. but rain is not so good... I hope dh and I do well in that... should be fun...

Work... work ... work... geez sometimes I am not sure about this partner thing.. I get upset with Sarah for the stuff she says.. and it appears as though others are catching on to her behavior.. YUCK!!!! and then I get asked what I think.. not so cool.... but she needs to change her attitude before it gets worse and I get more angry with her.. sometimes she is pretty selfish and needs to remember that it is NOT about her but aobut our clients and this is what we do when we get hired to provide in home therapy....

THinking about my new tat.. getting it the friday before Emma's bday.. thinking angel wings.. emma'sname in them.. her bday date.. something to represent M and G and 4 stars....

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

me