We have a new member of our elite group...

and I so wish Mendy was not one of us... i hate that Rhett died.. I hate that another person is going through all the sadness I did.. that we all did.. I feel horrible for her... Rhett's funeral is/was today... I remember Emma's parts of it.. I think I was so in shock and so sad that I dont remember much... I remember being sad.. I remember her small so small casket.. I remember goign to the cemetary.. and sitting on a chair..by her grave.. I remember crying.. and wanting to just go home.. I remember the dinner afterwareds and at one point.. just Brad and I being the only ones who were sitting together and the others were talking alone... I felt sooooooooooooo alone....

I remmber crying and screaming and walking our road at night.. screaming at God.. asking WHY WHY WHY!!!! Why us.. why not someone else who did not want a baby as bad as we did...

that was so long ago... and yet.. it really wasn't it all seems so close at times.. and others.. it si so far away.. all we have are distant memories.. the occasional blip on the screen.. and yet.. at times.. it si there.. right in my face.. staring at me... and hurting.. not like it did then.. but still very painful... and I dont want to be tyhere... I tuck it away.. and leave it alone.. and then there is the guilt over not feeling as sad or as grief stricken as I did in those first days nights weeks andmonths...

I read through some of my posts on ivillage.. when we remembered each monthday... *sigh* and now I can get through them.. easily... now it is the other milestones that get me.. the start of 1st grade.. seeing other 7 year olds and marvelling at how big they are and their interests!!!!

seeing my twins.. and wondering what they would have been like if Emma was still here.. and how they would have gotten along....

thanksing God we have Max and Gretchen.. and at times.. rarely but at times.. thinking of the quads who were but a mere blip for us... but alive none the less.. and many others who cant undertstand that... except for Deb... she gets it... and really gets it cause she had a loss and subsequent kiiddos and sr.

Peace to us all......

Ya better watch out.. Ya better not cry...

ya better not pout I am telling you why.. santa clause is coming to town.. santa claus is coming to town... well ya know what santa.. bring a cure to cancer.. and bring happiness to those who deserve it..

cause I want to believe in miracles this time of year.. and I know a lot of people who deserve some happiness...

Dear God.. please???????

Lori called yesterday... amy's cancer is back...

and i am bummed.. bummed bummed... I hate the c word.. it wreaks havoc in families.. tears people apart.. makes me sad.. causes lives to end.. i dont get it.. and at Christmas?? where is the justice?????????

I tried to call amy yesterday... no one answered the phone.. left her a message on her cell.. tried to call her house.. dont think the message went through... but will try again...

It is on her sternum.. they took it out.. and some muscle.. she goes back tomorrow... for more information... Lori said they are going to do radiation and chemo.. be aggressive... *sigh* but I cant help but think abouty Corey and all he did and it just di not matter.. but then there is Michele's sister.. who is diong stem cell stuff.. how expensive is that??? would that work???

What can we do.. and why is it that we only rally around people when they are sick.. not before,, not when th ings are giong well.. why do we wait til they are in dyer straits...

I need to remember now and always to talk to people make that call.. dont be to busy.. play wtih my kids.. other stuff can wait... life is to freaking short...what do you do??????

With all my heart I hope for good information.. I hope for good anwers... but I have a bad feeling.. I hope I am wrong...

Emma is now 7.....

Where did the past 7 years go.. they flew by and yet somedays felt like they just drug... on and on and on... sometimes I was ok and others I wasn't ... where is my dark haired china doll.. how did she turn 7 in the blink of an eye....

Yesterday we cut the tree.... her siblings her dad and I.. one of 4 we have up now.. we have her tree the onie in the dining room and the one in Max and Gretchen's room and now the one in the living room.. it is HUGE!!!! *LOL* 8 feet tall and beautiful.. she would have loved it and I bet been right there with her dad on the ground cutting it.

Max picked out her "reef"... *L* and we took that to the cemetary yesterday.... after her 2nd cousin's bday party... Annie will be 3 on the 12th.. *sigh* I was ok at the party.. and it did not effect me to much.. I was more worried about the kids saying something about it bing Emma's birthday too.. but Laurie would have understood.. and so would have aunt Carol..

7 is long time.. and yet it isn't.. 7 .. so much has happened in 7 years... would we be where we are now if you were here??? would we have M and g? would daddy have gottne the job in Madison? Would we haev experienced somehting else where our lives changed for what felt like the worst in an instant??? and time stopped and I soooo did not want it to move forward yet I did????

Sonme days it all feels so far a way.. and I am not sure if you are but a memeory or a dream.. and that scares me... I guess I should see it as progress.. but it scares me like I hage hforgotten.. then there are times.. fleeing moments.. when I am right there again.. RIGHT THERE.. and it hurts as badly as it did that first year... and I remember..

I always remember..

Max asked how yoiu werer going to come down for cake.. I said you couldnt that you would have it in heavan.. he asked who would make it for you and have it with you.. I said Gret Grandma Rufer.. I hope she did.. or great Grandma Zettle did... He seemed to think that was an acceptable answer....

I cried pretty hard at one point in the rememgberance service.. during the song the water lily... sobbing.. but then I was ok.. we talked to another mom and dad we knew from when we first lost Emma... their boys were 7 in August and they now hae 2 more sets of twins... their daughters are 6.. and beautiful.. I wonder if you would have been like them.. all into clothes and jewelry.. and beautiful... I pifture you with wild black hair.. and snapping dark eyes.. and a temperament like me and Gretchen's!!! *LOL*

There were not many others there I recognized anymore... other babies names I know.. I wonder how the moms and dads are doing...

7 years is a long time.. but we have all grown because o fyou and the things you brought to us.. and the memories you help us create...

I was commenting on how many grandhildren Brad's parents have.. I said no there are not that many.. they only have 4... he correected me and said.. "5".. I was shocked I said only 4 and commented on how I ihad never done that before.. our friend said.. and He corercted you.. good for him... *sigh.. he does remember....

SO happy Birthday to my eldest child.. you are always in my heart and in my mind.. and with us.. we miss you and love you...

Mommy